Countdown Time!!!

Teen Angst is Overrated. Seriously.

Ughh. This is just a little rant from me. :]
I really am tired of always being the mature friend who calms situations down and is otherwise ignored. I'm an enabler. I enable some of my friends to be dependent, self-centered, emotional wrecks. Its draining. And annoying. I was talking to my mom last night for forever because I'm so sick of just being the shoulder to cry on. Augalkdha;kllhteilaho. Its rediculous. I'm always the good example, I'm always the parents' favorite. I have a freaking pastor asking me to always drag his daughter to church. Don't get me wrong. I love her to death. She's one of my best friends. But she gets herself into these social and emotional situations and NEVER uses her common sense. So I get to be the comforter, the advice-giver, the "I-told-you-so" teller, etc. And when I have a problem... it lasts for about 30 seconds before we're back to someone else's. If I dwell on my life in the conversation for more than 3 minutes, I feel like everyone else feels I'm "hogging" the conversation. Its always been like this. I had a "friend" once who wanted to kill me every time I opened my mouth.... which isn't all that often. I mean, seriously. People need to get over themselves. I've always been the people-pleaser, the situation-diffuser, and I'm frankly quite sick of it.


Just once I want to kick up a little dust, throw a little fit, and NOT have someone tell me I'm overreacting.
Someone's crush doesn't pay attention to them, and its the end of the world. Quite literally.
I grieve over the puppy I had to put down after 14 years, and after THREE DAYS I'm a drama queen.
My generation needs to learn how to suck it up, submit to some authority every now and then, and control their tempers. Going off on someone for accidentally offending you is considered being STRONG? Get a life. It's considered being a jerkface.


Rant over. :]
I feel better now. hahh.
I'm just tired of being ignored by my peers and only getting positive attention and reinforcement from the adults in my life.
I need some more barn-friends and Kate time. Ugh. I know where I'm appreciated. And I appreciate the appreciation. :]
I dunno how Dr. Phil does it. After the 100th show, I just whack everyone upside the head, say USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, YOU IDIOT, and walk away.. And mom thinks I should major in phsycology and be a therapist. hah.

Some Little Poems for My Puppy. [Not so depressing now.]

Okay. So... I went to ORU for college weekend. It was a blast, and helped me a bit. It isn't as hard to deal with Pokey being gone when I'm away from home. And now I can smile about her and only have to blink a few times instead of bawling my eyes out when I think about her. I found this pet loss website, and they had lots of pretty poems. I liked so many of them... I'll just put up my favorites.
I Only Wanted You

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

Author unknown

Tribute To A Best Friend

Sunlight streams through window pane
unto a spot on the floor....then I remember,
it's where you used to lie,
but now you are no more.
Our feet walk down a hall of carpet,
and muted echoes sound....
then I remember,
It's where your paws would joyously abound.
A voice is heard along the road,
and up beyond the hill,
then I remember it can't be yours....
your golden voice is still.
But I'll take that vacant spot of floor
and empty muted hall
and lay them with the absent voice
and unused dish along the wall.
I'll wrap these treasured memorials
in a blanket of my love
and keep them for my best friend
until we meet above.

Author Unknown

I also had a third favorite... but it's too long to put on here. So I'll give you the link instead: http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=67597829093&h=uWkDF&u=iSSCf&ref=mf RIP Pokey. March 1995 - April 1, 2009

My Pokey Little Puppy [Warning: Depressing Post.]

This is the hardest blog post I've ever had to write. I'm sorry if this is really depressing. Its a good thing I can type without looking, because right now all I can see are tears. Today my puppy was euthanized.
She'd just turned 14 about two weeks ago. I'd had her since I was four. I wanted to type this out tonight, because I know that if I don't, I might never get it out. I'm horrible at keeping the worst things in. That's what I had Pokey for. I've cried with her so many times. This is the first time I've cried ov,brer her. For her. She was one of my best friends.
I know I did the right thing, putting her down today. But it was the hardest right thing I've ever done. She went downhill so fast. Yesterday she couldn't walk at all. At least she felt slightly better today. The vet said she had a scale 3 heart murmur and her kidneys were going bad. Since her heart wasn't as strong she got less blood flow, which made the kidneys worse. And her lungs weren't expanding right. She'd lost a ton of weight in the last week. Her cataract got worse. Her arthritis got worse. She was tired all the time. And that was my baby, growing old. My wonderful, smart, loyal, sweet baby. Everyone that met her just loved her.

After the vet confirmed what we already knew... that it was her time to be put down... I think I sat in a chair with her on my lap in the vet's lobby for a good hour. It felt like thirty minutes. My mom started tearing up every time I'd finally get my eyes dried, which made me cry all over again. Until right before we left, I thought the worst thing was listening to her labored breathing and watching my tears hit her back. I didn't think I'd ever be ready to let her go. Everyone who walked in got to walk out with their dog. I had to hand mine to a lady that wouldn't give Pokey back to me. More than anything I wanted to be in that room when she fell asleep before they put her down. I didn't want to let her down. But I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. So I handed her off and walked away. And the thing that's making me cry the most right now is the look on her face when I was walking away from her. In my head I know it isn't rational to feel guilty about it. But I can't tell my heart that. I know I'm already going through the grieving process. I know its going to take awhile. I hate it. Emotionally, I feel like I let her down in her last time of need, but in my head I know it isn't true. I just hate the thought of her being anxious, with no familiar surroundings, without me. She never did well in kennels and vets offices.

At one point mom put Pokey in her lap so I could see my baby's face. Pokey rested her head in my hand. That helped me to know it was the right thing to do, if nothing else had gotten through. She'd just been so out of character this last week. It hit all at once. Six months ago she didn't have a heart murmur or bad kidneys. She wasn't having a difficult time breathing. We could keep the arthritis under control with anti-inflamatory medicine.

I'm not sure what I believe about animals and heaven. If pets go to heaven, what other animals go? Its hard to believe they just cease to exhist. But if dogs do get in to heaven, I just know my puppy has scrounged up a tennis ball from somewhere and is bugging the crap out of heaven's inhabitants to play fetch with her. She hasn't been able to play fetch for at least eight months. Not with her arthritis. She's probably found another dog and a sock to play tug-o-war with.

I just can't stop thinking about these last few days. I spend as much time with her as I could. That's one other thing I've felt guilty about. The past few months I hardly gave Pokey any attention. I tried to make up for it these past two to three days. She spent all yesterday on my bed with me. And all of today until we took her to the vet. Last night I watched Slumdog Millionaire with Pokey in my lap the whole time. Today I took over 40 pictures of her. I don't have enough pictures. It seems as if 14 years wasn't enough time. That hour in the chair at the vet's wasn't enough time.

Mom told me tonight that I did the right thing. That we were right to take her to the vet when we noticed she wasn't herself. That Pokey was a good one to cry over. And she was. It just kills me to talk about her in the past tense. My eyes are raw. I'm numb yet I feel everything. I almost wish I was still in denial. That I could believe any minute she'd come walking into my room just to take a nap on my floor. But I know she won't. I know I'll never get to cuddle with my puppy again. At least on earth. If puppies make it to heaven....

There's so much more I can say. So much I can't. So much I feel that I can't or don't have the energy right now to put into words.
Lord, give me strength. Give me peace.