My Pokey Little Puppy [Warning: Depressing Post.]

This is the hardest blog post I've ever had to write. I'm sorry if this is really depressing. Its a good thing I can type without looking, because right now all I can see are tears. Today my puppy was euthanized.
She'd just turned 14 about two weeks ago. I'd had her since I was four. I wanted to type this out tonight, because I know that if I don't, I might never get it out. I'm horrible at keeping the worst things in. That's what I had Pokey for. I've cried with her so many times. This is the first time I've cried ov,brer her. For her. She was one of my best friends.
I know I did the right thing, putting her down today. But it was the hardest right thing I've ever done. She went downhill so fast. Yesterday she couldn't walk at all. At least she felt slightly better today. The vet said she had a scale 3 heart murmur and her kidneys were going bad. Since her heart wasn't as strong she got less blood flow, which made the kidneys worse. And her lungs weren't expanding right. She'd lost a ton of weight in the last week. Her cataract got worse. Her arthritis got worse. She was tired all the time. And that was my baby, growing old. My wonderful, smart, loyal, sweet baby. Everyone that met her just loved her.

After the vet confirmed what we already knew... that it was her time to be put down... I think I sat in a chair with her on my lap in the vet's lobby for a good hour. It felt like thirty minutes. My mom started tearing up every time I'd finally get my eyes dried, which made me cry all over again. Until right before we left, I thought the worst thing was listening to her labored breathing and watching my tears hit her back. I didn't think I'd ever be ready to let her go. Everyone who walked in got to walk out with their dog. I had to hand mine to a lady that wouldn't give Pokey back to me. More than anything I wanted to be in that room when she fell asleep before they put her down. I didn't want to let her down. But I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. So I handed her off and walked away. And the thing that's making me cry the most right now is the look on her face when I was walking away from her. In my head I know it isn't rational to feel guilty about it. But I can't tell my heart that. I know I'm already going through the grieving process. I know its going to take awhile. I hate it. Emotionally, I feel like I let her down in her last time of need, but in my head I know it isn't true. I just hate the thought of her being anxious, with no familiar surroundings, without me. She never did well in kennels and vets offices.

At one point mom put Pokey in her lap so I could see my baby's face. Pokey rested her head in my hand. That helped me to know it was the right thing to do, if nothing else had gotten through. She'd just been so out of character this last week. It hit all at once. Six months ago she didn't have a heart murmur or bad kidneys. She wasn't having a difficult time breathing. We could keep the arthritis under control with anti-inflamatory medicine.

I'm not sure what I believe about animals and heaven. If pets go to heaven, what other animals go? Its hard to believe they just cease to exhist. But if dogs do get in to heaven, I just know my puppy has scrounged up a tennis ball from somewhere and is bugging the crap out of heaven's inhabitants to play fetch with her. She hasn't been able to play fetch for at least eight months. Not with her arthritis. She's probably found another dog and a sock to play tug-o-war with.

I just can't stop thinking about these last few days. I spend as much time with her as I could. That's one other thing I've felt guilty about. The past few months I hardly gave Pokey any attention. I tried to make up for it these past two to three days. She spent all yesterday on my bed with me. And all of today until we took her to the vet. Last night I watched Slumdog Millionaire with Pokey in my lap the whole time. Today I took over 40 pictures of her. I don't have enough pictures. It seems as if 14 years wasn't enough time. That hour in the chair at the vet's wasn't enough time.

Mom told me tonight that I did the right thing. That we were right to take her to the vet when we noticed she wasn't herself. That Pokey was a good one to cry over. And she was. It just kills me to talk about her in the past tense. My eyes are raw. I'm numb yet I feel everything. I almost wish I was still in denial. That I could believe any minute she'd come walking into my room just to take a nap on my floor. But I know she won't. I know I'll never get to cuddle with my puppy again. At least on earth. If puppies make it to heaven....

There's so much more I can say. So much I can't. So much I feel that I can't or don't have the energy right now to put into words.
Lord, give me strength. Give me peace.