Baling Wire Will Always Hurt Like Crap...

....But I still feel blessed. Hahaha. Thought that one up while I was feeding. For me, physical labor equals mental labor. I need to ear buds for my iPod [my last ones were used until they fell apart], so I just had my thoughts to keep me company for an hour and a half... Though it felt like three hours, with all the thinking I did. I just wore my riding gloves to feed with, so I kept getting poked with the hay and end of the baling wires... That's where my first sentence came from. ANYWAY...

A new year, [a new dawn, a new day, a new life... lol. Sorry. Already off track again.] new blessings, but also new worries and hardships. I just found out Kim's [trainer] mom died. This is several weeks after her grandma died. She didn't just come out and tell me this by itself, because that's not like her. She said that the barn would be closed this Friday and Saturday - only feeders would be allowed on the property - because all her family was coming in for a funeral... Her mom's. I think they're going to have another service for her grandma, too, and make it a joint service. I couldn't really say anything... I'm not good with words when people spring things on me like that! So, I went with that old saying... "Better to be silent and thought a fool, rather than to speak and confirm it." I'm always afraid I'll say something insensitive, or too sensitive... Because neither Kim or I are people who just randomly talk about such deep, sensitive topics. I could tell she didn't really want to talk about it either, so I left it alone until I left about forty-five minutes later, saying bye, and that I was sorry to hear about her mom. Her mom kinda scared me. She was a great cook, but she kinda scared me. In a Kelly, military scary way. Barn girls, you know exactly what I'm talking about... Especially since I'm easily intimidated by other people. Dominant horses, I can usually deal with. Dominant people scare the crap out of me. Its just how I am. I just wish I was more like my mom, who can talk about hard things like that just out of the blue and put others at ease. I didn't know exactly how sensitive Kim was when I was out there... and just couldn't make myself ask any questions. That's my mom's area. Of course, I consider myself a pretty good [definitely not perfect, though] judge of character... I get THAT from my mom. My brains from my dad. [Lighter, random note: I wish I'd inherited my dad's love of numbers and math! He says its all attitude, but I swear I really try to like it... It just doesn't work out.] My blue eyes from both sides of the family [well, obviously it would have to be a gene in both sides of the family, since it is more of a recessive one... Off topic. Bleh. I don't like biology. One time I had a nightmare about photosynthesis in detail... don't ask.] and my bad eyesight and teeth from both sides as well. I got my short jaw from my dad's side though. -shudder- I don't want to think about having jaw surgery, but it looks like it's gonna happen. Off topic again... sorry. = /

Getting into the heavier stuff again. I guess new years generally create deep thoughts or something. But Kim had a Christian radio station on when I got to the barn [should have known something was up right then... she usually has it on a country station] and I sort of half-listened as I was thinking. One of the songs was over the subject of losing loved ones way before their time, and I got to thinking about the future, where I was going, and how I was going to make an impact. Then, that kind of lead to thinking a bit about death. As I was thinking, I realized that this was the first time I had consciously thought about my own death and felt a sort of peace about it. It would happen when God decides to call me home. I've been a Christian for a long time, was raised in the church, etc, etc... But despite my relationship with God, I still felt a certain... what's the word I'm looking for... not really nervousness, but anxiety. I guess that word works. I'm always a squirmer when pastors start talking about Christians suffering for their faith. When we talk about martyrs. Its not something I like to admit, and I do realize its easier telling you all this because we aren't face to face. I love the Lord, I really do. And just like any of us, I don't know the exact thing I'd do if I was faced with a gun and asked to deny my faith or die. But perhaps more than most, and I really don't like this about my theoretical situations inside my head, I had a sneaking suspicion that I'd opt for denying Christ. I'm sure the thought of suffering doesn't sit too well with any of us. But now, its hard to explain. I mean, of course at the moment I'm not ready to die, nor do I want to. However, I feel more like I'm in the Lord's hands than ever before. And if I was ever faced with a gun, now I feel more assured that I would probably say no, I won't deny my faith. Its a good feeling.

Like I've already said... I'm kind of squeamish with talking about deep subjects, so I do feel the urge to end this post on a lighter note. I love writing and literature. At the moment, I have several sort-of started stories on my laptop, and several more on my desktop. They're all fiction, of course, and usually deal with a main character that either owns a horse or is a figure skater. Those are the two things I know about best. I've always wondered if I could actually write a full-length story... But today, I got a new idea. I don't want to brag or anything, but I do consider myself pretty handy with words... I've always got a few fun horse-related sayings and comparisons floating around in my head. And since I have that useless facts book, it dawned on me that I wouldn't have to write a big thick novel [though those are my favorites to read] to get something published. The facts book just has one to three sentences on every page. Maybe I could get a book going of a combination of my favorite sayings, along with ones I made up? They might not always be as witty or insightful as I'd like... but there's the advantage of slipping some of my favorites in there. = ) Once I think of some more, I'll put them on here for y'all to read.

Happy New Year, and God bless!

Tina

P.S. I don't like begging for comments, but my Haygood review is kind of lonely. -.^